It’s been a while since I wrote about something. Let me share the reason why I write today. Well, I was almost swept away into the confluence of the Arabian Sea, the Bay of Bengal and the Indian Ocean a few days ago.

It’s not the first time my tryst with adventure was to take me to the better side of life, tenth to be precise. But like every other time, I had an amazing realisation about a lot of things. Those few seconds of my life can be described and dissected into many lessons. Today, however, I want to talk only about one – safety and how we perceive it!

Have you thought about why we talk about “women’s” safety and celebrate a whole month around it? I am not an advocate of the “unsafe world” and “men are the predators” theory. Before we get into a heated debate here, pause. Yes, bad things have happened to women where men were responsible, and they are still happening as we talk. But to me, if we focus only on this as the reason, we lose sight of what is relevant to “women’s” safety. We can surely agree to disagree.

Over many years of working with people irrespective of gender, my learning is that we perceive everything in a magnified way. Our view of the world is a reflection – a reflection that comes from our own experiences or from something that we consume in our minds consciously or subconsciously, directly or indirectly.

Let me make it clearer and more relatable. As a kid, I had an Atlas silver bicycle to ride to school. I was so embarrassed being seen riding it because, to me, it was a very plain-looking cycle. My sister and friends all had better-looking ones. I had started disliking riding a bicycle for that reason, something which I otherwise loved so much. I was struggling all alone with this trauma and in one of those most difficult phases of my life Salman Khan came to rescue me riding his bicycle in Maine Pyaar Kiya (one of the Bollywood hits). Suddenly, I was not riding on the road; I was on cloud nine. I became the charismatic Salman impressing the whole world on her cool bike. Thanks to Maine Pyaar Kiya, today I live with one less PTSD.

But that was also my first first-hand learning, that we see things the way we feel. Suddenly, I was confident about the same bicycle which was pulling me down every time I looked at it.

Now let me bring this back to safety and women. What is safety? When we do not feel threatened and can continue being in that space comfortably. To me, in this era of hard selling, we have done the same thing with safety, and to me it is irresponsible. To teach someone the importance of staying safe, why should we make them feel paranoid first? Yes, as a woman I know what it means to feel unsafe. But thanks to my wide and vivid experiences of life, I learnt that safety is not about men vs women. Safety is about staying aware, alert and keeping presence of mind whenever in a difficult situation. Safety is
about being capable of keeping not only yourself but others also safe, even if the others are men. Sadly, somewhere ‘women’s safety’ thus got reduced to fighting men with a few martial arts techniques or pepper spray.

If only we understand how we perceive things and how our minds react to those, we can be equipped to keep ourselves safe. In one of the workshops that I was conducting, a woman shared her experience of how she feels unsafe bringing a child into this world. To her, the fears were all real. There was nothing untrue about it, but the question here is how many of you would agree to that? I see so many excited expectant parents and so many distraught ones who are unable to conceive. It is the same world we are talking about. Where that woman comes from is a space of acute fear. To some of you it may be exaggerated, but to her it is real as real as me transforming into Salman Khan on the bicycle.

The real question to me here is – what is the answer?

There are multiple layers to the answer. I would like to take you one at a time.

• Let’s start talking about safety as a gender-neutral concept. Only then would we be able to take a holistic approach in our learning and not limit it to ‘saving ourselves when attacked by the other half of the society’.
• Why women? Not because women are weak but because men are physically stronger. Anyone who is weak be it a man or a woman would struggle to save themselves if attacked by a stronger person. Also, historically men have been the hunters and largely the warriors. So, to them fighting and being aggressive comes with ease compared to women. Women, biologically being the nurturer, are generally contrary to aggression in their core nature.
• We need to understand the reasons behind our actions and reactions. To you, this world is worthy enough even when half of it is being bombed, washed away in cyclones, or killed in pandemics. But to someone else it may be a cause of misery. In the same way, to someone travelling alone in a compartment full of men may not be a challenge, but someone else may choose to wait an extra 30 minutes to get a space in a women’s compartment. Why do we feel differently in a similar situation? If our actions and reactions pull us down with fear, stress, unhappiness, depression, etc., taking the best of us, can we do something about it?

Next question is – how to stay safe?

• First, feel safe. Till the time we feel unsafe within, there is no way we can react in an unsafe situation. An unsafe situation needs to be mitigated with presence of mind. When we already feel unsafe within, everything that is happening outside gets magnified and takes control over us. When we learn to stay calm within, we have control over our actions and reactions. Work on emotional and mental
• wellbeing. We need to be strong not only physically but more importantly inside. Past trauma triggers in a conflicting situation lead a person to freeze instead of taking action. Staying calm is what we need in a crisis, and that comes with continuous practice of working on ourselves. Take help of an expert to become a strong person.
• We feel a danger before it approaches us. Most of the times we hear people sharing how they were already uncomfortable about a place, person or a situation before it happened. That is our gut, instinct or sixth sense. Trust it when it warns you.
• Devote time to physical fitness. Start a routine – run, walk, exercise, swim, or do yoga whatever helps you stay fit, strong, and agile. Become confident that if a time comes, you can disengage, run, or even fight for life if the need arises. Threat activates our sympathetic nervous system, which is fight or flight. But a fit person can survive longer in that mode compared to others.
• Train yourselves. Travel, be outdoors, come out of your comfort zones, try new things. The best way to build your muscle memory is the kinesthetics way. When we expose ourselves to varied situations over a period of time, we fill the repository of our minds with practical tools. That is what I experienced yet again while being swept away into the ocean. When the giant wave pulled me in and threw me upside down, before I knew it, I was already reaching out for the perfect holds on the rock. All the learning and experience of climbing mountains came back in a flash, and I started pulling myself upwards. The only difference was that this time I wasn’t climbing vertical – I was upside down.
• Knowledge is power. Knowledge brings control. Control brings confidence. Read relevant books, talk to experts, attend workshops or conferences. Stay updated with new techniques and relevant information like legal provisions and cybersecurity.
• Most importantly, do not approach safety with fear. “I have to learn to be safe because I am in an unsafe environment” will always keep you in an alert mode. To perceive a situation and threat as it is, without magnifying it, we must be calm within even when fighting for our lives.

Receiving a help in distress is all we can ask for but being dependent on others for our safety is always a hindrance in becoming capable. Safety comes from integration of a fit body, capable mind and a calm state under pressure. That can be achieved only by working on ourselves regularly in that direction.

While I was fighting for my life, I was able to calculate all the required elements in that situation important to me. I was aware of the sudden depth under my feet, I knew the
limited window that I had before the next wave pulled me in, I could look for the right holds under the rock, I was taking help of the wave to throw me towards the beach and I was already prepared to kill my husband, who I could see merely standing there looking at me (possibly happy).

Like we say, the more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in war. Safety is not fashion or a topic in vogue. It is the basis of our existence. Let us build our capabilities towards safe individuals and a safe society.